I’ve had several blogs and a website, all of which I’ve quit because I felt like I didn’t have the time to give them 100%, and they became much more of a chore than a hobby. But, here I am again, blogging.
For the past month I’ve felt really pretty blah. Medical school is obviously a huge drain on all aspects of my life- physically, mentally, emotionally, creatively. At the end of every day, I feel like I am missing something. I feel like there is something fundamental missing from my life. I feel unfulfilled.
I spent a day thinking about why I feel so unfulfilled and what is missing from my life and I came up with a few things:
1: I am entirely too hard on myself. I have never been okay with mediocracy in any aspect of my life. Medical students constantly put up the facade that they know more than they actually do. Because of the perfection I demand from myself and the fact that everyone else seems to be perfectly happy with their work-load and knowledge, I spend my days feeling extremely incompetent. Basically, I am in full on panic mode all day, trying to cram as much information into my brain as possible without ever stopping to realize that this is my life. Yes, I am a medical student, so maybe my life is about 1/10th of that of any other human being, but it should still exist.
2: My grades are fantastic, but they are coming at the cost of balance in every other aspect of by life. I have always been the type of person to prioritize by grades over pretty much everything else in my life. In high school, I didn’t even notice this because the information load and difficulty of the work was so low that being the top student in all my classes came without much effort. In college, I was no longer the best student at school; I was just another hard-working fish in a giant ocean full of lots of other hard-working fishes…and some of those other fishes were brilliant. I felt inadequate. It was in college that I first realized how much I defined myself by my grades (and other external factors- body shape, attractiveness, etc.). I realize that grades are so superficial and mean basically nothing, but the irrational part of me likes the measurement and the cheap thrill of being “above average.”
One way I hope to regain some balance in my life is by using this blog as a creative and emotional outlet. I also hope this blog can inspire me to have new experiences and help me deal with the stress of medical school.
I hate it.
Hate is a strong word you say?
Well, I don’t take it back.
I hate medical school. I hate the way it has made me feel anxious. I hate the way it has put pressure on my relationships. I hate the way I feel dumb every day because of how much I don’t know. But, there is nothing else I actually could see myself doing with my life. I want to be a doctor. I am thankful for the opportunity to learn medicine. But, still, I hate medical school.
This blog will be real. In case you can’t already tell from this post alone, I am not going to sugar-coat my thoughts (Although I did omit a Slyvia Plath quote at the last minute). Some of my posts might be ramblings. There might be typos. I might not write for a month. I might quit altogether. This blog is mine, for me, for however long and whenever I need it. And that, is a wonderful thing.